What Matters?

So I am meditating one day as I am wont to do between 4:40 a.m. and 5:00 a.m. every morning, but my Mind keeps going back to my grandma and one aunt of mine. No matter how much I try to gently guide my focus back to my breathing and to the present moment, my Mind keeps shifting to some of the people I truly love. In a last ditch attempt to get my Mind to acquiesce to my instructions, I ask it what it wants, why it keeps going back to these people yet it knows this is the time to meditate. And, unexpectedly, my Mind fills me with a feeling that seems to say to me, “Because these people are so important to me. And I remember that they are important to you too. Sometimes when I see you meditate and try so many different things so you can improve yourself for the world, I fear that you will forget what truly matters.” 

Realizing that the Mind has a genuine concern, I countered with, “These people matter to me still. They will never not matter or not be a priority”.

“I know, but you have just come from dating a narcissist and you were so enamored by their abrasiveness which you thought was self-assertiveness, by their self-centeredness which you mistook for independence, by their inability to relate with people which you assumed was self-sufficiency”, continued my Mind.

“I have learned my lessons, don’t you see how much we have grown from that experience? I now know how to love myself, how to move mountains for me. When you and I started out, I had to anchor my efforts onto something that I loved dearly, and almost always that has had to be somebody or something other than myself. Either I didn’t love myself enough or I didn’t know I did. I am sorry for the pain I have caused you and my heart.”

“There goes your timer. Sorry I have ruined your meditation today. I just could not postpone reminding you how much you love the people you do. You have a good heart, do not lose that for any reason.”

“Thank you for speaking to me about these things. You should not ever have to worry about such, I’ll see to it that you don’t. And you did not ruin the meditation. This is exactly what meditation is for me, it is me quieting myself enough so that you (my Mind), my soul, my heart, and my body can have communion with me and help me know myself.”

Therapy is just amazing. After four years in a serious, cohabitational relationship where verbal, emotional, and even physical abuse were rife, I have finally come home to myself. The most important lesson I learned from dating a narcissist is that my love and will are an inextinguishable ball of fire that can keep my heart warm through the coldest winter. 

I dated and almost married a narcissist; somehow, I came out not only unscathed but also wiser, more humble, more loving, more open to vulnerability, more self-reliant, and generally optimistic about what the future holds. I now realize that I am not in therapy because of the relationship itself, I am in therapy to figure out what got me into it and what made me stay so long.